I had no idea that the end result of letting Elijah have tantrums would be so... wonderful. Perhaps it doesn't work for every child, but for Elijah, it seems to be effective. He has been having a lot more tantrums lately. Our theory is that it is happening for both developmental and circumstantial reasons.
He is a typical two year old who has discovered that he has a will and can exert it. He has been testing its limits with us and often it feels like he is determined to win. Boy, can he be persistent! Hopefully, we will learn to help him channel that persistence for good. I have seen kids cry and scream and wondered if Elijah would go through that stage. Well, he has been going through it a lot! Paul and I have had our discussions about our strategy and philosophy. We're still learning and figuring things out, now that we have entered another stage with Elijah. Interestingly, I had told Paul that I felt like he was "too soft" with E. His response was that he thought I was too soft. By our observations of each other, I concluded that we must be "too soft" if both of us are feeling that way about each other's parenting style.
Circumstantially, his life has been a little chaotic the last few weeks. I think there is a lot of frustration going on inside too. Life is different than what he once knew. It can be unsettling for even the adults. So, we are trying to be sensitive to his needs, but also trying to discipline him so that he understands that even when our circumstances are difficult, he can learn to overcome it. P said to me the other day, "You know, I don't think I would be having this conversation about becoming a person who overcomes hardships at this stage of his life if we were living in America..." We are praying that Elijah will become a person who overcomes whatever trials and hardships come his way.
One of the things that we have heard again and again from people is that consistency is key when it comes to discipline. We have realized that when he is having his tantrums it is not about whether he gets what he wants right then, but it is about whether he gets his way or not. We want him to learn obedience and it has meant that we look like possibly very incompetent parents by letting him have his full blown screaming tantrums rather than doing what is convenient for us and immediately pleasing to him. It took a couple of tries on our part to learn this, but once we did, we have come to see the real value.
For example, the other day, our house help, Elizabeth and Hannah both came and greeted Elijah with the typical Nepali "Jai Maishi." Elijah would not greet them. Paul told him that he needs to greet them but he screamed and said "No!" So, Paul gave him a time out. He must have screamed and cried for about 45 minutes. We ignored him. He knew that when he is ready to say Jai Maishi, he could let us know. He even tried to come down from his chair. As his feet were dangling an inch away from the floor I told him that if he comes down and he will not get to play with the ipad for the rest of the day. (He loves the ipad.) He knows that it is not an empty threat so he thought twice and did not come down. I think Elizabeth and Hannah felt bad for him as they said something like, "He's kind of little....when he's a little bigger, maybe he can say it." We ignored them too. :) After about 45 minutes of crying, screaming, yelling, "No! No! No!" he eventually calmed down and said, he is ready. He said, "I want say it loudly!" I said, "You can say it loudly if you use a nice voice." "No! I want to say it loudly and use bad voice!" I responded, "Well, then, you are not ready." Screaming, crying, etc. Finally, he said, "I'm ready to say it." So, we called Elizabeth and he looked at her and said, "Jai Maishi." He said it with a smile on his face - not forced at all. Then, it was Hannah's turn. We celebrated the fact that he made a good choice and I danced a bit saying, "I'm dancing for joy because you made a good choice." This morning, he comes to me and says, "Mommy, I'm jumping for joy!" The rest of the day yesterday he was so polite and had a great attitude after having gone through his tantrum.
This morning, I explained to him that Auntie Elizabeth and Auntie Hannah will be coming to our house again. "When you see them, you need to stop what you are doing, look at them, and say, "Jai Maishi" because when you greet them, they feel happy." He was playing with the ipad this morning. Elizabeth came and she greeted Elijah. He stopped, actually turned off the Ipad, looked at her, and greeted her. Then, he did the same for Hannah. Paul and I just looked at each other with a pleased smile. Elijah had learned that it is better to obey.
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